Tag: meditation (page 1 of 2)

July 19, 2021 / 0 Comments

Take Care of You

“If only I had been sure of myself.”

— Charlotte Day Wilson

I did yoga today. It was the kind of session where sweat had pooled on my mat. By no means was I able to accomplish every move as intended. In fact, there was a whole section where my brain could not process the instructions or their performance on-screen throughout the two or three rounds in which they were part of the flow. I attempted them, though, ending in a lizard lunge each time and feeling my hip flexors release just a little bit more with each pulse and breath.

At the end of those 45 minutes, I had no problems relaxing into shavasana. My feet fell to their most comfortable position. My shoulder blades wanting to wrap up and under unprompted. There was no furrow in my brow or struggle to slow my heart rate or mind or breath. It all came with ease.

As I got up from the mat, I felt pliable, fluid, and in balance. It reminded me of sessions years ago with my favorite yoga instructor. She’s no longer on this mortal plane, but my muscle memory of her guidance and her desire to make shared yoga practice a thing that all body types can and should enjoy was with me this afternoon. I was inside my body and happy to be there with all its imperfections and benefits. It got me through those intense stretches and positions as it has gotten me through every event of my life, and I was grateful.

I wasn’t sure I would find myself to that kindness and gratitude at the start of the day. Today’s meditation was about self-forgiveness. Timely, as I haven’t been very forgiving of my body this week. I joked with Tiffany that I felt like the pregnant man emoji that may be coming to our devices soon. I have felt in conflict with my middle and the scale and my naked form in the mirror or fully clothed in pictures. Even my return to doing yoga in the mornings has been an exercise in self-critique rather than stretching and breathing.

During those twenty-minute flows in the AM, I’ve been frustrated by my forward folds and my tight hips, and my even tighter hamstrings. My TikTok For You Page has recently been frequented by people cracking their backs in yoga positions and talking about mobility and flexibility, and I’ve been envious. It has felt like this frame of mine hasn’t wanted to twist or bend to my liking at all this week.

And so, when I sat in front of this blank page earlier to write about gratitude for this body and to grant myself kindness, I wasn’t feeling it. Of course, those are the right words and the right thoughts and the perspective to have, but this belly is still here, and the number on the scale isn’t the one I was hoping to see, and wait, let me suck it in.

But then I did good yoga. “Lock in the practice,” instructors sometimes say. Far more often than not, I find that a difficult thing to do. The vibes that leave the mat with me don’t stay for long. As I write this, though, they are still here.

And I am thankful for this body I’m in.

And I forgive myself for not granting it the grace this week that I know it deserves.

It contains all that I am. It works. It takes care of me.

I should return the favor.

October 6, 2019 / 0 Comments

Good as Hell

“Boss up and change your life.”

— Lizzo

Today’s meditation asks, “What does it mean to stand in your power?”

Lately, that has meant trusting my gut (and my head and my heart). It’s meant saying no to some opportunities and jumping at others. It’s been allowing myself to express excitement and show passion in spaces where I’ve tended to be more reserved. It’s been letting more people inside and giving more of myself outside.

Be honest. Be open. Don’t seek permission to do what’s right. Don’t let the fear of disappointing others guide me away from the best choices. Give me the room to think big. Recognize that new challenges also mean lots of change and that new responsibilities require transformation. And trust. Trust in myself and others.

So, pull your shoulders back. Breathe into your diaphragm. Lift from the crown of your head and take up space. Create space for those you want to bring with you on this journey.

Look in the mirror and see that the person staring back at you is feeling good as hell.

Personal growth is perhaps the most important outcome of keeping a work diary. (Sarah Todd for Quartz)

People are generally better persuaded by the reasons which they have themselves discovered than by those which have come into the mind of others. (Olvia Goldhill, also for Quartz)

There is something about a number that implies precision. Accuracy. Certainty. Immutability. The implied message is a problem solved in totality. (Seth Partnow for The Athletic, subscription required)

What age is someone most likely to achieve their peak performance? (Brad Stulberg for Outside)

What to pick up at the Library: Mostly Dead Things by Kristen Arnett

What to listen to on your commute: Football: Should We Cancel it? by Science Vs and Snapchat’s Secret Dossier on Facebook by The Journal

What to Watch: Hip-Hop Evolution on Netflix (great episode about the rise of the cypher in the latest cycle); and, the two CBS shows being led by the former stars of Luke Cage, All Rise & Evil

January 6, 2019 / 0 Comments

This is Where My Life is

“Things are just as they are.”

— Love and Equanimity Meditation

Today is the first day of 2019 that I remembered to write the correct year when dating my journal. Shall we call that progress? I don’t mean to suggest that it has been a rough re-entry into normal life. It hasn’t.

I’ve been reading Zadie Smith’s Feel Free, a book whose name I get wrong every time I write it down or speak about it. It’s sometimes Find Free and most often Live Free but always not the correct title. I haven’t decided if there is symbolism in this. Am I seeking to live more free in some way or to find out what it means to find freedom?

I do find constraint in this body. These hips don’t move the way I would like. My blood pressure is elevated. My upper back likes to stiffen when I sleep. This belly should be smaller if only so I might not fear to suffocate in child’s pose. During the first day of Yoga with Adriene‘s 2019 30-day program—Dedicate—she asked us to discern what brought us to the mat. To my surprise, what came to mind:

“I want the best version of my body whatever form that takes.”

I’m as committed to the idea of improving my flesh as I am to not defining what “the best version” means for me. What it has been in practice is over thirty days straight of some form of exercise, eating more of the right things, and believing that doing that which nourishes me is better than doing what’s convenient.

The actions may be difficult but the choice to do them every day hasn’t.

It hasn’t only been the physical. I’ve found discipline in limiting my screen time. I’m scheduling daily practice for improving my Spanish and treating it like class. I’m idling less in front of the television.

I’m reading Zadie Smith and feeling free.

Supplements and Counters

November 11, 2018 / 0 Comments

Reason in Disguise

“Never know why we go through it all”

— Jorja Smith, featuring with Ezra Collective

It’s easy these days to find things to be grateful for in my personal life. So much so, that it’s been a struggle to share my gratitude publicly over the last month or two as the daily onslaught of breaking news seems to ratchet up the level of terribleness with every sunrise. What right do I have to celebrate in the face of this?

It smells like a campfire outside. The sun is shining, but I don’t know that I will see it as the haze of the Woolsey Fire envelops Los Angeles. It’s Veteran’s Day weekend, and this nation’s president is derelict in his duties as commander-in-chief failing to honor properly those who serve or have served in our military. There was a mass shooting 41 miles from my house just a few short days ago. There have been so many mass shootings across this country this year that I’ve forgotten some.

After Tuesday night’s midterm election results were revealed, I began Wednesday morning with a meditation. I’ve been journaling more—once in the morning to set my intention for the day and at the end of the night to take an accounting—and in that process on that day, I committed to tapping out a bit from breaking news at least for the rest of the year. The world immediately pushed against this notion with crazy, but I’ve mostly held to it. Even if I haven’t yet replaced all that attention-seeking with books and maybe learning some new things,—my Candy Crush skills though are getting damn good—I have been more intentional with how I spend my time. I’m less informed, perhaps, minute-by-minute but not uninformed. I get my news in the morning from my favorite podcasts and then in the evening on the way home from my news curating apps and newsletters, and then I’m trying my best to go about my life.

And, this week, that’s what I’m grateful for: reclaiming my time.

And for being alive.

With a roof over my head.

Fewer people can say that today than last Sunday.

I don’t know what it’s all for, but I’m here.

Might as well dance.

June 24, 2018 / 0 Comments

WIN

“You either with me or against me.”

— Jay Rock

I woke up one morning this past week after a rough night of sleep. My dreams were filled with visions of America’s southern border. My dreams were filled with the sounds of children’s cries. My dreams were filled with the stone faces of people in expensive suits and dresses and uniforms explaining how this was somehow preferable to treating those migrating from Central America with humanity and care.

I listened to a meditation called “Let it be” to try and make enough peace in my head to get out the door and go to work a functioning human being. By the end of those 14 minutes, though, only one thought was blaring in big block letters at the front of my mind:

“Don’t Let it Be!”

So, this week, I’m grateful for those of us who won’t let it be. Thank you to those who protest loudly in our border towns and our capital cities. Thank you to the journalists telling the stories that our government agencies don’t want to be told. Thank you to those who refuse to make oppression easy or comfortable for those that wish it so.

I’ve thought about this excerpt from The Holocaust, the French, and the Jews that a French Historian friend of Shana‘s tweeted

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. As the government moves to institutionalize repression, they rely on all of us tacitly enabling it. If we don’t, their jobs become much harder. 75% of French Jews survived the Holocaust, largely because people just didn’t play along. pic.twitter.com/Vufqe3CMht

— lh (@laurenaissance) June 21, 2018

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

Don’t let anyone tell you that being nice is more important than being moral. Don’t let anyone tell you that how you stand up must be in the streets. The point is to not roll over in any way you can.

For all those not letting it be, I’m grateful.

And I’m with you.

April 16, 2018 / 0 Comments

Something to Remember

“They say that happiness cannot be measured.”— Dynasty

Meditation: Find Beauty Everywhere, three minutes

My style of leadership and communication is heavily rooted in steadfastness and compliance. I rarely seek to accomplish things by focusing on influence or dominance. At least this is what a leadership training session centered around the DISC personality test told me. You can take a free version of the test here. Once the traits were explained to me in detail, I found them accurate.

I was in a group of over 40 people, most of whom I did not know or didn’t know very well—though I was there because that will change soon—and we had broken into clusters based on our primary trait. One of the Ds (Dominance) asked: “How can I get you [the Ss (Steadfast)] to give feedback?”

What an interesting question.

I took time to ponder it—as my style is want to do—and realized that this is true. I am not prone to give feedback when asked both personally and professionally. At least not immediately. I like being asked about my day or my weekend or how I’m doing, but I’m not likely to say much beyond surface thoughts. At work, I’ll give feedback in a structured situation—I love formal goal setting and reviews—but otherwise, I tend to be more circumspect.

I know feedback has consequence. I like to know why I’m being asked something and how you’re going to use the information I give you. I want to be confident my thoughts will be clear and received as intended. I don’t like to burden others with whatever I’m feeling at the moment.

I hadn’t considered this about myself before. I imagine that awareness will be useful to me going forward. I’ll be more likely to ask some why questions and for additional time rather than be non-communicative or feel pressured to respond immediately.

40-something and I’m still learning about me. Who’d a thunk?

——
If you’re in NYC over the next two weeks, you should head uptown and see Detained. It’s timely and compelling and well done.

This is coming out late tonight because I was distracted by Beyoncé’s Coachella performance this morning. It was on a whole other level. Please to send me your best explainers and deep dives into all the elements that went into making that magic happen. You can keep your think pieces though.

Right before I sat down to write this, Cardi B was performing on the ‘Chella livestream. Who is more delightful in pop culture right now?

On the plane ride to NYC, I read Annihilation and listened to the soundtracks for the movie adaptation as well as Westworld, The Cloverfield Paradox, and Arrival. They all go well together. The book is good but the film—which I saw first—did a better job of screwing with my head.

On the return flight, I watched The Shape of Water and the first Kingsman movie. I expected to like The Shape of Water and did. It’s impeccable film-making though I think Get Out will be the 2017 release that most people will still talk about years from now. Kingsman was a surprise. Outside of an off-putting turn towards the end that was out of left field and felt incongruous with the rest of the flick, it was quite fun for that kind of hyper-violent comic book adaptation.

Shana’s dictionary.

California is the future.

Dapper Dan is still the man.

And these are the things for which I’m grateful.

That includes you.

Yes, you.

April 1, 2018 / 0 Comments

Find That Love Again

Yoga: Yoga for Connection (27 minutes)
Meditation: Ease with Everything (11 minutes)

“Something on my mind, something I gotta find.”

— Phonte

The prescription didn’t take. Well, that’s not true. I didn’t spend the week in a bad mood, but I’m struggling to shake this ennui. This morning’s session of yoga was about connecting with your breath and with yourself. It was mostly still—Shana might call it lay-on-the-ground yoga—and I was present throughout. I felt release. Alone in the house, I loudly exhaled several times. I cursed with relief. I thought I might cry.

Instead, I smiled.

That connection was fleeting, though. The meditation I do before writing these Sunday missives was an exercise in distraction. My mind wandered to to-do lists and imagining future interactions. I’m unexpectedly traveling for work in a week, and it has me uncharacteristically and unnecessarily anxious. But this isn’t the problem. I’m focusing on usual work shenanigans because the real challenge is elsewhere.

I told a friend this week that I don’t fight against the tide. I want life to be easy especially for everyone around me. I want to keep it nice. That works for me 99% of the time.

March 2018 was the other 1%. Maybe that’s why this morning’s meditation didn’t go well. Maybe I don’t want ease with everything. Maybe ease leads to complacency. Maybe trying to be easy is what got you to this uncomfortable feeling in the first place.

Probably. Sometimes. Maybe.

When I’m trying to figure my shit out, I write. So, I’m grateful this week for this space where I get to tap tap tap it out and hit publish. And for reminders that sometimes I write things I like, like this little story from 2002.

When I’m trying to figure my shit out, I read. So, I’m grateful this week for my public library branch and their seven-day rule on new releases which forced me away from digital distractions to devour Walter Mosley’s latest. I picked up J effrey Eugenides’s short story collection for this week’s adventure/challenge.

When I’m trying to figure my shit out, I eat. So, I’m grateful this week for this Epicurious meal-plan which was perfect even if my execution was not.

When I’m trying to figure my shit out, I seek fellowship. So, I’m grateful this week for lunch with my mom. Our conversation was wide-ranging but deep and probably not long enough. Afterward, though, I saw myself better.

I don’t know that I’ve ended this week having figured my shit out. I’m grateful, though. For the words. For the stories. For honesty. For the kitchen. For patience.

And, for you.

Yes, you.

March 25, 2018 / 0 Comments

Deep in Mudd

Meditation: Untangle Negative Thoughts, 15 minutes

I’ve been in a bad mood all week. Wallowing doesn’t come naturally to me. I’m uncomfortable in the muck. These past seven days, though, conspired against me. My birthday didn’t feel as I desired or needed. We got real live rain for days. The sun hid from us most of the week. I was unexpectedly burnt out from the pace of the first three months of the year. There was random unwanted work drama. My routine was slightly askew.

So I stewed in the swamp of dark vibes. It’s starting to break, though.

Wednesday night, I cooked new things. Meatballs and beet salad inspired by Persian New Year and the New York Times. Thursday night, I hung with colleagues as we celebrated YouTube milestones and the end of awards season. Friday, I took a personal day and caught up with kick-ass ladies in Jessica Jones and Annihilation and the NCAA Women’s Basketball Tournament. Yesterday, my haircut session was therapy. My Name is Myiesha was entertaining and thought-provoking.

And then dinner with my mom, my wife, and an old family friend was medicine. Hungry Crowd was a surprising little spot in Toluca Lake with Korean fusion dishes that were better than expected and a conversation that soothed whatever was ailing me.

We laughed throughout, to the point that diners at the table next to us leaned over and joked that we must be having a terrible time. We laughed even louder and engaged for a few minutes, learning they were from London, happened upon the place after being told of a 45-minute wait across the street. She was an actor I recognized. He was a member of BAFTA. They have cats and love LA. They aren’t citizens but found time to March For Our Lives. We apologized for our current President. They countered with a firm belief that he’d be done soon.

This week I’m grateful for this prescription to ending a bad mood:

Do new things
Seek unusual knowledge
Talk to strangers
Celebrate the little things and the big
Take a break
Laugh
And Laugh
And Laugh
And Laugh

Now you’re not stuck in the mud; you’re dancing on it.

March 18, 2018 / 1 Comment

It Runs Through Me

“I’m grindin’ on the back side of life, we dance.”

— Posdnuos

Meditation: Tap into Happiness, 11 minutes

I was on the receiving end of several “thank yous” this week. I was thanked for hosting a meal. I was praised for conversations had, and meetings led. My job description suggests my work would be all numbers and data and whatever secrets I can get them to whisper to me.

In actuality, my value is in the soft parts. I rarely get thanked for providing reports. Gratitude comes when I communicate effectively. People give thanks when I’m persuasive and thoughtful and gracious.

We visited the Jasper Johns special exhibition at The Broad, yesterday. The exhibit circles around this quote from the artist:

“One hopes for something resembling truth, some sense of life, even of grace, to flicker, at least, in the work.”

— Jasper Johns, 2006

Grace and truth and life are the things I’m grateful for this week. It’s the last day of another year on this blue marble for me. May those things run through me well into the next one.

Thank you.

March 11, 2018 / 0 Comments

Lucid

“It was all something or nothing to me.”

— Jordan Rakei

Meditation: Hard on Yourself, 11 minutes

I’ve been ruminating on my failures. I have writing unfinished and text messages unanswered. There was the moment I put my foot in my mouth in a meeting and the back-to-back days of lunch consisting of fries smothered in cheese and meat. I’ve spent too much time on my devices idling and not enough time learning and reading.

This is only a partial list.

Today’s meditation is about getting past those uncomfortable and seductive thoughts—The Little Hater as Jay Smooth coined—and finding space for a full view of you. Be kind and compassionate to yourself. Express gratitude for your strengths and weaknesses. Recognize that those around you also make mistakes. We are fallible.

In Chris Rock’s Netflix comedy special, he says the most important lesson he can give to his children is this:

“Nobody outside this house gives a fuck about you.”

That recognition of our relative lack of importance except for those who know and love us always brings me comfort and clarity. I can see what matters.

What mattered this week?

Last weekend’s full plate of birthday festivities for two people I am honored to call friends
A life-affirming live performance from Jordan Rakei at the El Rey on a school night (here’s his KCRW set)
Handling dinner more times than usual
Learning how to bake with yeast

Made these today and I’m unreasonably proud pic.twitter.com/zHJRFmFFME

— Jason Toney (@misterjt) March 11, 2018

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

Every time I listened more than I talked
Every time I told someone something they needed to hear even if they didn’t want to hear it
Every time I thought of someone else’s comfort before my own and acted with that intention

I have found a good routine with yoga most mornings to start my day, but daily meditation has been an unintended casualty. The challenge is making time for honoring both the body and the mind. When I do that with consistency, the little hater’s voice is rarely louder than a whisper. When one or the other is out of practice, he starts to shout.

Hush now.