Tag: zadie smith (page 1 of 1)

Heavy, California

They say heaven’s waiting for you, so I’m headed for California.

— Jungle

My freshman year of college, I was part of a particular dorm called Roots which focused on giving the 24 of us that lived on the floor a foundation in the backbone of western civilization. Those eight months have been the only time in my life when I’ve actively thought about philosophy critically, clinically, academically. I think about ways of being often. Hell, this blog is a collection of essays about me considering how to be in the world and yet, I haven’t built upon that structure from my first year of Higher Education oh those many moons ago.

Windows to the Will: Anomalisa is an essay in Zadie Smith’s collection, Feel Free. In it, she reviews Charlie Kaufman’s animated film through the prism of philosophy, specifically Arthur Schopenhauer, of whom, Kaufman is clearly—to those who are scholars of the subject—a fan. It’s a brilliant essay, knowledgeable and smart and witty and fun in ways well beyond me, and it got me both to spend a few dollars to rent the film on YouTube and to think back on my Introduction to Logic class that was part of my year in Roots.

The film is exceptional in form and function even though I found the protagonist, Michael, insufferable. Smith seems to find some way to identify with him and his struggle to escape boredom and sameness. I had no such luck. There’s a very tender sex scene—amongst puppets, mind—and I think here is when you’re supposed to feel something for Michael as he shows such care and compassion for Lisa, a woman who he believes might save him from his dispassionate life. A woman who is different, until she sleeps with him. A woman who is special until he attains her. A woman whose fleeting uniqueness give him permission to cheat on his wife and be rude to everyone around except her. And then, it passes, and he loses this compassion for her. She becomes just like everyone else, and we see that he has no moral center at all, just an endless want for something more than all he’s been given.

Le sigh.

I got an A in my Introduction to Logic class, yet I don’t know how. I found the work challenging and the philosophers, like Michael, mostly insufferable. I guess I understood the “math” of logic, but I couldn’t stand the dudes that came up with it. My assessment then was that these were men who couldn’t stand that they were merely human and not mythical heroes. Men for whom the human condition was a prison.

Get over yourselves, is what 19-year-old me must have thought.

I’m not sure that appraisal was wrong, but I’m thinking about spending more time with the great (?) philosophers this year.

Though, they all seem to be such jerks, maybe not.

Experience Dedication

We see Y’all. I’m with Y’all.

— Talib Kweli
  • I woke up right on time yesterday.

  • It was the first night of my New York trip that I had gotten a decent night’s sleep

  • My back wasn’t stiff

  • Everything fit in my suitcase without much trouble

  • My flight was still on time despite the previous day’s airport drama.

  • The front desk lady’s New York accent and banter

  • The bite in the cold morning air

  • The relative quiet of the 7 am Saturday morning streets in NoMad

  • The smile of my Lyft driver

  • The lightning charger in the back of his car

  • The ease of the ride to JFK

  • The ease of the TSA pre-check line

  • The pleasantness, consideration, and care of every black Airport worker I encountered including the one who informed me my coat had escaped from its tie to my backpack

  • The short line at Shake Shack

  • The bacon, egg, and cheese from Shake Shack

  • The Shake Shack employee who showed up right on time with the fresh bottled water

  • The baby’s face that lit up when she saw mine

  • The free wifi in JFK

  • The chance to complete my Saturday Morning music rituals

  • This week’s Release Radar playlist

  • The ease of getting on the plane

  • The smile of the first flight attendant that greeted us on the plane

  • The possibility that the middle seat might be open next to me

  • The actuality that it remained so

  • The kindness of strangers helping each other get their bags into the bins

  • My wife’s excitement conveyed in a text that I was on my way home

  • The fruit and cheese plate

  • T-mobile’s complimentary hour of in-flight wi-fi

  • Staying focused long enough to finish Feel Free finally

  • appletree and why you cannot touch my hair in Eve L. Ewing’s Electric Arches

  • Catching large parts of Mission Impossible: Fallout on other passengers’ screens during the flight

  • Gaining about 40 degrees in my travels from NYC to LA

  • The sun

  • The smile and accent of my Lyft driver home

  • Welcome home hugs and kisses

  • An extremely clean house

  • Fried wontons

  • Conversations about nothing and everything unencumbered by the distractions of devices

  • Making it to the gym despite an utter lack of motivation

  • The Jay-Z and Britney Spears dominant soundtrack to my Aaptiv arms day workout

  • The swell of my arms afterward

  • The fourth quarter of the Warriors-Celtics game

  • Leslie Jones Upper East Side rap on SNL

  • James McAvoy losing it during the N’awlins skit on SNL

  • Not remembering when I fell asleep but knowing it was likely in mid-conversation with Tiffany, our hands or feet touching for the first time in a week

The last essay in Zadie Smith’s Feel Free is titled, Joy. In Joy, Smith considers the difference between Joy and pleasure. She finds happiness in many things throughout the day but only sees a few moments in her life as ones of pure joy. It was a timely read as I prepared to write this response to Tiffany’s Twitter question:

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It’s like this. The only expectations I have for most days is that I will be the best person I can be within its confines. I find pleasure in many things big and small (many, many little things) throughout every day starting with the small delight that I awoke once again. I have an extremely short memory for frustrations, challenges, and setbacks. I rarely recognize, let alone acknowledge, aggression as it happens which, I imagine, naturally deflates most of those situations. I assume just about everyone I meet has a harder day than I do. I’m comfortable with change and prone to adaptation. Things that could be better that I can influence, I do. Things I know that are beyond me at that moment don’t get dwelled upon.

I enjoy this life.

This isn’t all gravy. Throughout the many conversations I’ve had with others who’ve taken the FiveThirtyEight personality quiz, I’ve come to realize that my relationship with anger (or lack thereof) has created a big gap in my ability to empathize effectively with those who do experience frustration or anger more easily. It is a struggle for me to connect with something in myself that feels similar. I can appreciate why someone else is angry. I’ve learned to accept the idea that anger is a valid response to a situation but, it’s foreign to me.

I love to argue over ideas and ways of being. I share this trait with my mother. We also both have a propensity for being passionate in our position without realizing that passion can be seen as an attack until it’s too late. That we don’t take a heated debate as personal doesn’t mean others operate in the same fashion.

My forgetfulness for “bad things” makes it hard for me to be a good critic or judge of particulars. I take what I need and leave the rest. This can be annoying for those who want a more technical accounting of my feedback. I’m sorry, though, I have no similar mental checklist for this as I do for those pleasures and pleasantries noted above.

In the end, though, I operate from a place of realistic optimism. I know bad things happen. I’m aware of how much a struggle being on this mortal plane can be but, every day, it’s just as likely things go right as the other way. Nothing’s a certainty, but, hey, we may overcome.


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And that’s enough to put a smile on my face, a flutter in my heart, a sparkle in my eyes, a dip in my dimples, and a dance in my step.

Happiness.

This is Where My Life is

Things are just as they are.

— Love and Equanimity Meditation

Today is the first day of 2019 that I remembered to write the correct year when dating my journal. Shall we call that progress? I don’t mean to suggest that it has been a rough re-entry into normal life. It hasn’t.

I’ve been reading Zadie Smith’s Feel Free, a book whose name I get wrong every time I write it down or speak about it. It’s sometimes Find Free and most often Live Free but always not the correct title. I haven’t decided if there is symbolism in this. Am I seeking to live more free in some way or to find out what it means to find freedom?

I do find constraint in this body. These hips don’t move the way I would like. My blood pressure is elevated. My upper back likes to stiffen when I sleep. This belly should be smaller if only so I might not fear to suffocate in child’s pose. During the first day of Yoga with Adriene‘s 2019 30-day program—Dedicate—she asked us to discern what brought us to the mat. To my surprise, what came to mind:

I want the best version of my body whatever form that takes.

I’m as committed to the idea of improving my flesh as I am to not defining what “the best version” means for me. What it has been in practice is over thirty days straight of some form of exercise, eating more of the right things, and believing that doing that which nourishes me is better than doing what’s convenient.

The actions may be difficult but the choice to do them every day hasn’t.

It hasn’t only been the physical. I’ve found discipline in limiting my screen time. I’m scheduling daily practice for improving my Spanish and treating it like class. I’m idling less in front of the television.

I’m reading Zadie Smith and feeling free.


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