In October, a new and unexpected routine developed in my life. I was driving to and from medical facilities to visit my father, who had gone in to be treated for pneumonia that ultimately turned into a tracheostomy. On those drives, I first turned to Spotify-powered “Uplifting” mixes—even going Gospel on occasion—but eventually that commute became the daily spin of Cleo Sol’s Gold in its entirety.
As a primary vocalist in Sault and in her solo work, Sol has always explored her spirituality in her records, but Gold stays focused on the role her God plays in her life. It’s a Christian-oriented faith, but the songs are non-denominational. I’m apathetic towards religion, but I’m a sucker for praise music, especially when I’m seeking to fill my heart with generosity, empathy, joy, and hope.
When I was pulling into a hospital or clinic parking lot, Cleo was belting that things would improve, and I believed her.
My album of the year.
When I combine Cleo Sol’s solo work with all my spins of Sault, she’s my most listened-to artist of 2023, beating out Beyoncé, whose Renaissance continued, and De La Soul, who finally came to streaming after decades of battling with their record label.
Jungle, however, is my selection for artist of the year. By the time Volcano came out in August, I was already in love with nearly half of the tracks. Candle Flame, Dominoes, Problemz, and others had all been released throughout the year and became frequent selections on a variety of my playlists. Then, they spent the rest of the year releasing videos for every song on the album that work together as a short film/musical. Tom McFarland and Josh Lloyd-Watson have worked with many of the same dancers since their first album, and Volcano is a showcase for the power of that loyalty and community. They even went viral with the dancing and vibe of Back on ’74.
I felt my connection to contemporary hip-hop slipping away this year. While it was my top genre of 2023, much of that was revisiting older stuff. Sure, give me a J. Cole or Cardi B feature. I’m down for bars from Doja Cat‘s problematic personage to go with the many women out here rapping right now. Still, no 2023 release is among my albums of the year, and my top artists lean toward Indie Soul, Alternative R&B, and, increasingly, afrobeat/afro-futurist.
Afrofuturism. That’s how I’d describe my relationship to music in 2023. Looking forward and back with an appreciation for sounds that come from and are for the soul. Give me tunes that ignite and inspire. Dance with my inner optimist. I’ll headbang, head nod, and even cry to the beat so long as it’s in the service of a tomorrow that improves upon today.
Things will get better.
Albums of the year
Gold by Cleo Sol
Volcano by Jungle
The Age of Pleasure by Janelle Monáe
Guts by Olivia Rodrigo
Angels & Queens (Deluxe) by Gabriels
Falling or Flying by Jorja Smith
Buhloone Mindstate (Reissue) by De La Soul
Also, check out Golden by Jung Kook, Slugs of Love by Little Dragon, Jaguar II by Victoria Monét, Happiness by Dargz and Homegrown by Carrtoons
Artists of the year (that haven’t already been mentioned):
Jessie Ware, Hannah Jadagu, Allison Russell, Adi Oasis, Izo FitzRoy, Kelela, and Okvsho
How I listened in 2023
Spotify is my music app of choice. I maintain an all-time top 100 and a top 100 for each year. On Saturdays, I refresh my top 40 playlist, create a new playlist to drive my listening for the coming week, and explore music with my Release Radar and X by doing Y playlist. I regularly update two exercise playlists: Close Your Rings and an ultimate workout mix. On Wednesdays, I let the Spotify algorithm drive my listening with the AI DJ and the Daylist.
If your app doesn’t connect with last.FM, I can’t use it. I love my stats too much.
When you first enter the back exhibition halls at the Resnick Pavillion, you are met with Hank Willis Thomas’s “A Place to Call Home (Africa-America).” It is a map of the Americas with the continent of South America replaced by Africa. It is also a mirror. As you take it in, you see yourself in the piece. At my height, I appeared dead center of the hybrid continent. This is not just history. It is your history. Not in the abstract; these displays are about you, specifically. Experience it as such.
The Afro-Atlantic Histories exhibit at LACMA is a powerful and thought-provoking display of art and culture that explores the impact of the transatlantic slave trade on the African diaspora. Curated by Robert Farris Thompson, the exhibit features a wide range of works from artists of African descent, spanning centuries and continents.
Scheduled on a lark by Tiffany, the visit felt serendipitous, as if guided by otherworldly forces. To spend nearly two hours with these works during the same week that I was reading and, candidly, struggling through Wake: The Hidden History of Women-Led Slave Revolts felt heaven-sent even to my apatheist heart. And that’s not to mention that we arrived before the heavy rain and the LA crowds looking for something to do during a downpour. Thank the ancestors.
Living in the wake of slavery is haunting, and to experience this haunting is to be nothing less than traumatized.
This “haunting” was my primary challenge in making it through her graphic novel before I spent the morning with these works. The exhibit features pieces I’ve seen before from Glenn Ligon, Kerry James Marshall, and Betye Saar, along with many artists from Brazil and the Caribbean that were new to me. It was overwhelming to walk from room to room, each with its theme meant to make the enormity of the black experience in the Americas digestible. Digestible even if it goes down bitter. Digestible even if you have to swallow hard.
Americans are myopic and self-centered, and I am no different. When I grapple with the realities of slavery, I think of it as a uniquely American problem, a United States of America problem. This curation, though, makes plain that the impacts of the transatlantic slave trade were similar and terrible throughout both North and South America. This horror-as-commerce, of course, rippled back to Africa and the countries that brought themselves into the modern world on the backs of Africans for hundreds of years.
While Wake’s tagline sells the graphic novel as a deep exploration of the women who rose against these supposed enslavers, these stories are unavailable. Historians of the period seem biased against the idea that women could do such a thing. Perhaps they would kill their masters in a domestic dispute but lead an insurrection? Arm and inspire dozens or perhaps hundreds of others? Surely not!
To which, and this is not a joke, can someone get those old codgers a copy of The Woman King?
Hall and her illustrator explore the idea of captured Dahomey warriors on a slave ship and how they would have taken advantage of being underestimated.
Or invite them to the Afro-Atlantic Histories portrait room, where Dalton Paula’s Zeferina is on display. Zeferina was an abolitionist leader who joined with formerly enslaved people to lead a rebellion, killing enslavers to establish an independent community of free black people. She was executed for her crimes against the Portuguese crown. A woman king, indeed!
We must use our haunting to see how black life truly is and see how it could be otherwise.
The closing chapter of Wake is titled Ancestry in Progress, referencing the Zap Mama album I loved at its release. It’s playing now as I write this. I feel the throughline of the graphic novel, the art, and being a descendant in my bones. Staring into artwork that demands you reckon with these horrors—our shared history, even if you don’t yet recognize it as such—has had me on the verge of tears.
But I am here. Many of my ancestors survived these incomprehensible circumstances and found ways for their spirits to thrive. To swing out. I am here with Zap Mama singing along as we make it past the rain to the sun on Ca Varie Varie. I am here with portraiture that conveys all we might be as we exist today. We are our past and our future. And sometimes, I am overwhelmed by how improbable and beautiful that is.
To crib a bit of how Firelei Báez describes one of her paintings, black joy amazes and I will not relinquish it.
“Today’s reader will simply not accept the baton being passed. If something is unclear, the author must expand; if something offends, the author must account and atone.”
I was drawn to fashion articles this week, including this WSJ story about ‘kid core.’ I love the hero image of a man at Paris fashion week looking like every member of the Cosby Kids at once. Dressing like a tween is not for me at this big age, but some of the sneakers I’ve been purchasing and eyeing have a distinct hint of playfulness. Also, black people look great in bold colors!
Chinese names are incredibly purposeful. […] First up is the family name, known as the last name in many Western cultures and similarly taken from the father’s side. This is followed by a name that is shared with your generation, often paternal cousins. Finally, there is the person’s individual name. These names literally show not only our ties to family and history, but how we put them first.
In Better Than I Imagined, Meshell Ndegeocello fashions her spoken word portion of the song as a voice mail to her lover. Many parts of it stop me in my tracks, but in February of this year, as I waited impatiently for my name to be called in the vaccination lottery, I most appreciated her closing lines:
“I hope you’re okay. Staying inside. I hope you’re not lonely.”
It’s a prayer. It has been my prayer as we continue to navigate the pandemic. In the past, my hope for others was that they were thriving. As we entered month 12 of the pandemic (and now in month 22), my hopefulness had not waned, but it has become more grounded. I hope you’re safe. I hope you’re making good choices. I hope you’re finding joy in small things.
Better Than I Imagined by Robert Glasper and remixed by KAYTRANADA featuring H.E.R. and Meshell Ndegeocello is my song of the year because it represents how I’m feeling as 2021 comes to an end. It’s bold and reflective. There’s a lilt of melancholy, but it feels bursting with possibility in many ways. It’s grateful for even the challenging experiences. They are worthwhile in memory. The present, even as a new variant and rising cases will wreak havoc on our best-laid plans, is better than imagined.
The rest of my 2021 mixtape is like my Spotify music aura for these last 365 days: happy and bold. There are explorations into jazz (classic and modern), Nigerian pop, hip hop that made you want to nod your head and move your feet, and singers whose voices were infectious. It closes with Charlie Parker’s April in Paris: rekindled hope for the new year.
In a time when popular rap is so depressed or grim or vapid, the whole thing is a wake-up. It’s ENERGY! It’s clever. It’s Tyler at his best, most sure, and most whole, and I can’t help but grin while listening.
The other albums that brought me great joy and comfort this year weren’t all released in 2021 but were essential nonetheless:
Apparently, July is for binging The Polyphonic Spree. The last time I decided to pull up the albums I love from the Texas-based psychedelic pop choir was this same month six years ago. I don’t remember what sparked that session, so let’s mark this one.
I bought airplane tickets to Paris, France, this week. The anticipated travel feels both imminent and precarious even though it’s a couple of months away. Trying to live in the age of COVID-19 continues to be like this: having the courage to live life to the fullest in unsettled times.
— Michael Lieberman (@michaelagrammar) July 23, 2021
It is the summer of uncertain vibes! On the night I bought those tickets, I also chose not to go to the gym because I couldn’t find my preferred mask for working out. Those tickets were purchased weeks later than I intended because I struggled to work past my fears that something might derail the adventure before it even got off the ground. Will my passport renewal return in time? Will the variants change border and travel rules? Will the anti-vax fervor in the states continue its expansion across the globe? Will some yet to be known threat grip us anew?
As I fought through those thoughts to click a big blue button to confirm purchase for two on a rocket that will cross the Atlantic, Section 14 (Two Thousand Places) shuffled up into my ears.
“You gotta be good. You gotta be strong. You gotta be two thousand places at once. And I know there’s a lot outside the window. It seems a lot for you and me.”
I’d already been thinking about making a playlist for this summer in which, internally, I am two thousand places at once. Mostly, there’s joy here. There’s sun on my face and in my heart as I get back to all that is outside my window. But, there’s also trepidation and anxiety as we mask up and fires burn, and dudes with too much money go to space while the neediest of us sleep under those same stars hoping to make it through the night. I’ve been bopping around between the latest from Hiatus Kaiyote and Tyler, The Creator sprinkled with productions from Adrian Younge and the mysterious folks behind the artists associated with Sault but it was Tim DeLaughter’s box of oddities that brought it all together.
I bought plane tickets. I bought some new masks. I’m grateful this week for my good fortune and the sun and courage.
And I’m grateful for this music that is soundtracking one weird-ass summer.
“You shoulda been downtown; the people are rising.”
— Anderson .Paak
What did you do in 2020 that you’d never done before?
I wore a mask on days that weren’t Halloween or Halloween-related. I ran in the park in a mask. I wore a mask to the laundry room and to take out the trash. I wore a mask in the grocery store, the pharmacy, the doctor’s office, and the optometrist. I wore a mask to pick up take-out and get haircuts.
The few times I saw my parents and sister, I wore a mask. The few times I saw a friend or two—outside, socially distanced, and ever so briefly—I wore a mask.
Sometimes, alone in the car, I wore a mask.
The few times we had furniture deliveries or maintenance in the house, I opened some windows and wore a mask.
Today, I’ll wear a mask. Tomorrow, I’ll wear a mask.
Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn’t make resolutions last year. I did hope to visit Chicago and Atlanta and Greensboro and Omaha to see family & friends and catch some WNBA games in cities I hadn’t been in in a while.
In early March, those plans were dashed. I did see some of those family & friends on Zooms and face times but not in physical presence and not sharing the same air, which, in this year, could’ve been disastrous.
I saw no basketball live this year but watched more WNBA games this season than I ever have, thanks to the #wubble and nearly every game of every team airing on television or streaming.
I miss our seats in STAPLES, though, and the crazies we are privileged to scream and cheer with nearly 20 times a summer. I hope we can get back to that in some way in 2021.
Did anyone close to you have a child?
Not that I’m aware, but I got this wrong last year. My cousin Tiffani had a new cutie pie in 2019.
Did anyone close to you get married?
There were a few postponements that I can think of but no virtual ceremonies that I remember.
Did anyone close to you die?
It feels weird to say in such a year of loss but no unless we count the collective mourning of Kobe and Gianna Bryant’s deaths by this city and the world.
There was death, to be sure. News of family members of current and former colleagues succumbing to COVID became far too familiar. And family acquaintances or distant relatives also passed. Still, the constant worry was a dreadful call or text about someone contracting the virus, entering the hospital, and never coming back out alive.
I did not have that experience this year, and I am grateful.
What countries did you visit?
This year, it may be more appropriate to ask which counties? I only left Los Angeles County twice this year. Once in January (Broward County) and once in very early March (New York).
What would you like to have in 2021 that you lacked in 2020?
Handshakes, hi-fives, and hugs.
Going inside someone’s residence other than my own.
Shared experiences that allow me to be anonymously or collectively loud.
Lingering in a space. Meandering from place to place.
What date from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
“Rudy Gobert’s status for the game—it was bizarre; he was listed as questionable just 30 minutes before tip-off. Then I saw the Thunder’s head doctor, Donnie Strack, come running off the bench, literally seconds before tip-off—the ref’s already got the ball in his hands. Players are lining up in a circle, getting ready for tip-off. I see Donnie Strack running out, and I knew right then and there: Something’s going down.”
What was your most significant achievement of the year?
I’m alive. I didn’t make anyone sick or kill anyone by being cavalier in my response to the pandemic. Every day, I tried to think about how hard it is for all I encountered and chose to give whatever I could when asked: time, patience, forgiveness, cover, space, cash, quiet, candor.
I may have been my most humane in 2020.
What was your biggest failure?
Excuse my french but fuck a failure in this most abnormal 12 months. Surviving and not harming anyone else was the only requirement in what NPR Music has called The Fugue Year.
Oddly, this is probably the healthiest I’ve been in many years. I switched doctors, and she got my hypertension under control, put me on some vitamin D, and has me thinking much more deliberately about my choices.
I’m sleeping better.
I did have some soreness in my right knee for a bit that was more than a little bit annoying, but some self-care and wearing an over-the-counter brace for a few days solved that, and it hasn’t returned despite an increase in cardio/aerobic exercises over the last few weeks.
What was the best thing you bought?
I’m in love with the bookcases that got recently delivered and that I framed and hung lots of wall art. I get a little spark of delight every time I see them.
I’ve also become a robe person in the last month or so, snuggling into a flannel one every morning.
But, it’s working appliances that are the best thing I bought, specifically, the dishwasher. Sure, we also replaced our laundry center with the non-drying dryer, but it was the dishwasher that had been the bane of my existence since the dawn of the pandemic.
Our old washer had utterly stopped working a week or two before stay-at-home orders began, and after a few months of constant dishwashing, I had tried in vain to get it fixed under warranty at least three times. Each time, they would replace the same part, and each time it would stop working again after a few days.
So, we bought a very nice replacement. When it arrived, the delivery guy couldn’t install the machine. Our electrical socket in the dishwasher cabinet had to move. A couple of hundred bucks to an electrician, and a few weeks later, it was finally in its place and ready for use.
It’s quiet. It’s attractive. It has a silverware rack.
And, as the daily slog of constant dishwashing was threatening to break me, that it merely works is heaven.
Whose behavior merited celebration?
Every person who has left their home daily at risk of a deadly disease because what they do might keep all of us, collectively, alive deserve all the flowers.
Where did most of your money go?
Into this home in a variety of ways. Into political campaigns and charitable donations. Into digital goods and services.
I put my money into continuing paying people whose services I enjoyed in person before the pandemic to work remotely if possible or stay home if not.
And into savings and investing for the future, whatever may come.
What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The Biden-Harris victory. That morning of extended joy will be the second day of the year I will most remember.
Perhaps, I am most known for how emotionally balanced I am, but there have been more days of melancholy this year. I remain hopeful and optimistic for a better tomorrow, but happiness has been harder to come by.
I spent more time feeling sad or anxious or frustrated or, worse, nothing. Much of July through maybe mid-October is a blurry haze for me in which I felt the least like me. I’m not sure what broke me from that, but I’ve been better since then.
But there are still more days like today when I woke with my spirit feeling small, quiet, and low on joy.
I suspect I’ll find a smirk or smile or maybe even a full-on song in my heart by day’s end though that’s not guaranteed.
This is new.
ii. Thinner or fatter?
Three months into safer-at-home, I had lost ten pounds.
I’ve gained them all back.
iii. Richer or poorer?
We had a great year financially. I feel sheepish writing that for the world to see but, it’s true. I didn’t lose work. I got a bonus. The stock market—despite volatility—has been lucrative. We were able to make some smart money moves.
I’m grateful that at a time of such a struggle for so many, we are not. The question I’m continuing to ask myself as we head into 2021 is how to be sure I’m not taking my good fortune for granted and “sharing the garden,” as Noname puts it in the Lockdown remix.
What do you wish you’d done more of?
Gone outside and explored the natural world.
What do you wish you’d done less of?
Doomscrolled.
How did you spend the holidays?
We ordered in for Thanksgiving from Bar Ama, which was delicious. I made banana pudding and biscuits for my family and traded them for a pie and mac & cheese. The fifteen minutes I spent with them during that exchange was not enough but sustained me on my favorite holiday.
Christmas was low-key but fine. A gift exchange with Tiffany, a family Zoom, and all the NBA I could muster made up the day.
We are doing NYE at home, which is no different than any other recent year. I may even be looking forward to dressing up, getting drunk, and dancing in the living room as we say goodbye to The Plague Year.
What was your favorite TV program?
There was nothing I looked forward to more this year than watching The Mandalorian season 2 and Star Trek Discovery season 3 over the last few months. Both sci-fi series have been fantastic in all the word’s meanings and filled my mind with dreams of brighter, more interesting, more inspiring times.
A Democratic victory in the presidential election and Nithya Raman on LA City Council
What did you want and not get?
I wanted Americans to come together in more significant numbers and show their better angels and sense of community to get us through coronavirus with far less unnecessary death.
I didn’t watch many films this year, but I dug The Old Guard and Soul and didn’t hate Wonder Woman 1984 despite the social media critiques.
What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 45 a week after the pandemic became official, and I’m pretty sure I spent it entirely on the couch playing mobile games and coloring with the Apple Pencil Tiffany got me as a gift.
What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
How would you describe your fashion concept in 2020?
Looking great from the waistline up. Thanks, Stitch Fix.
What kept you sane?
The morning is quiet and dark. I remember to meditate. As the sun comes up, I catch the birds and squirrels starting their day in the thicket of trees that make up their neighborhood. I listen to a mix of music and podcasts as I empty the dishwasher and start the coffee. I make myself a proper breakfast and eat it at the table.
It’s the end of the workday, and I treat it as such. I close work tabs and get up from the desk. I go for a long walk. I see the eyes of strangers. I listen to the sounds of the city. I break a sweat.
I don’t bring my gadgets to bed.
Every day I accomplished at least one of these routines, I was a little saner the next.
Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Everyone but perhaps most frequently, I longed for the strangers on the bus. I wanted to be shoulder-to-shoulder with people on their way to and from work or school. I wanted to be just another slightly familiar but nameless face with my fellow LA neighbors and be in the mix.
Oh, what I would give to feel like just another soul in the Southland, again.
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2020.
As the lyrics begin in the video for Lockdown, Anderson .Paak stands with several other LA-based musicians whose work I admire. Their fists are raised. The names of far too many black people killed by police violence are used to make up the song title’s letters. Paak is wearing a black jersey with the word “riots” presented in the Los Angeles Sparks logo style.
It’s a night in late May or early June of this year. Protests have taken over this city in outrage over the death of George Floyd at the hands of a police officer thousands of miles away. In this city, people scream out in anguish for the extrajudicial deaths at the hands of those tasked, in theory, to protect and serve us over the years. We’re a little over two months into the pandemic, and it’s too much.
It’s all too much. And so the people rise. Black Lives Matter signs go up in our well-appointed neighborhood, including by store owners with boarded-up windows hoping not to be painted with the same brush as those with the guns and the badge. We’re all complicit, though, aren’t we?
Far too often, we vote blindly or with our pocketbooks in mind. We pay little attention to how the city makes decisions. We’re unaware of how it metes out the spoils of government funding or the processes it employs to do so. In any other time, we’d be more concerned with where we needed to get to next than the death of yet another black person.
Any other year, the city would have a more significant complaint about the inconvenience of civil unrest and anguish than the roots of that pain and the merits of those demands.
It was a lockdown, and yet the people were rising. I wasn’t downtown, but maybe I should’ve been.
“We present our first ‘Untitled’ album to mark a moment in time where we, as Black People and of Black Origin, are fighting for our lives. RIP George Floyd and all those who have suffered from police brutality and systemic racism.
Change is happening…We are focused. ”
— Sault
Sault first came on to my radar last year around this time as I explored Best Of lists. I believe they were included on several KCRW DJ lists for their first two very dance encouraging albums, “5” and “7”.
Sault delivered two more albums in 2020, “Untitled (Black is)” and “Untitled (Rise)”. The former was released on Juneteenth with the statement I quoted above released on Twitter as it’s primary promotional effort.
Any time a song from any of their albums shuffles into my ears, I’m compelled to binge their rapidly expanding and impressive discography.
Not only is their music right for this moment in time, but it also seems to be a time traveler. There is a cosmic funk retro sensibility mixed with a constant push through the boundaries like afrofuturistic music explorers.
It’s how I wanted to feel in 2020: present, thoughtful, wise, and focused on the future.
And Little Dragon, as they have for nearly 15 years, light up my brain and heart and spirit with their sounds. Always in new ways but still the same them.
“I been in my bag addin’ weight. Tryna throw a bag in the safe”
— Anderson .Paak
What did you do in 2019 that you’d never done before?
We bought a house.
There was also the two week period across April and May when I traveled from LA to Miami (first time in the city) to LA to NYC to LA to Mexico City (also, a first) to LA and back to Florida with no more than a day’s rest every time I was back in LA.
That was nuts.
I’m sure there were other firsts, but those stand out.
Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I remarked to Tiffany yesterday that I appreciated my body lately. My hips are loosening thanks to some focus on my stretching and yoga in that area. And while the number on the scale isn’t where I would like, I like the angles of my physique these days. I have been having some of the longest and best workouts of my life in the last few weeks and broke my elliptical record today.
So, yeah, I did that.
I don’t know that I’ll make resolutions this year. I saw something somewhere—Instagram, probably—that suggested that instead of setting goals, write down what you’re excited about in the new year. I kind of like that idea.
Yes. We attended the wedding of a close family friend in October and delighted in the marriage of one of our favorite Sparks players.
Did anyone close to you die?
There were some unexpected deaths in acquaintance circles, but I don’t think the reaper came to the doors of anyone close to me.
What countries did you visit?
Mexico was the only country outside of the USA I made it to this year.
What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019?
Time. There was a lot of change and transition in 2019. These changes required me to be outside of my routines and comfort zones for much of the last three months. That led to me not making the best use of my free time when I had it and not utilizing my time most optimally when I was on someone else’s clock.
I’m entering the year with a plan to tackle this problem.
What date from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
What was your most significant achievement of the year?
I got promoted again this year.
I also got invited to interview for a job with a much fancier title than the one I have right now at a desirable place, which was very flattering but ultimately not for me at this time. My work and what I bring to the table being recognized and compensated appropriately felt big this year. As Clarence Avant says over and over again in The Black Godfather, “Life is about one thing, numbers.”
And, you know, I am currently a numbers guy.
What was your biggest failure?
Every time I walked past my unhoused neighbors and felt helpless instead of offering help or a neighborly word.
Did you suffer illness or injury?
I was incredibly healthy this year (knock on wood).
What was the best thing you bought?
The condo.
Every time I walk the three blocks to Ventura boulevard or the two blocks to the grocery store or trek on foot to the library or stop at Trader Joe’s or the mall on the way home or use our kitchen or admire our views are reminders that this was the right choice.
My mom asked if we were getting excited about paying the mortgage every month and watching the number come down. Excited isn’t the right word. Maybe the right word is gratifying.
To know that paying it isn’t a struggle is nice.
Whose behavior merited celebration?
Round two for last year’s all-star. Melle continues to do the damn thing. Now under her non-profit shingle.
Where did most of your money go?
Did you know buying property is expensive?
What did you get really, really, really excited about?
WNBA All-Star in Vegas was everything and more, and I was hyped the whole time.
Unequivocally happier. It’s been a grand year in my corner of the world.
ii. Thinner or fatter?
I weigh almost the same as the beginning of the year but feel great.
iii. Richer or poorer?
We still make that paper, and now we own property.
What do you wish you’d done more of?
More time for family and friends. More dates with the lady. More hosting people in our new home.
What do you wish you’d done less of?
Idling on the iPad. Tik Tok is addictive as hell.
How did you spend Christmas?
Here in LA. My parents and sister came to the house, and we made brunch together. We had a small but meaningful gift exchange. And the Clippers beat the Lakers.
Good and Mad: The Revolutionary Power of Women’s Anger by Rebecca Traister
The Making of a Manager by Julie Zhuo
The Library Book by Susan Orlean
The Avant-Guards, Vol. 1 by Carly Usdin
What was your most significant musical discovery of 2019?
I hadn’t paid much attention to Nipsey Hussle’s music before he was killed in the spring. He was so beloved in Los Angeles, though, that I had to stop and figure out why. It was a revelation.
I get it now.
What did you want and get?
Impeachment even though ain’t nothin’ goan happen.
What did you want and not get?
A resignation. All things considered, though, it’s been such a good year personally and professionally, ain’t no complaints.
What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Nearly the same note as last year: The Sparks did go deep into the WNBA Playoffs this year but flamed out in one of the most head-scratching exits in league history.
I worry the championship window is closing for this team in this configuration, but I’m hoping there’s one more run in 2020.
What political issue stirred you the most?
My interests this year were more local than the national garbage fire that is this current administration. LA figuring out real solutions to our homelessness and general housing issues is top of mind every time I enter our community.
Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
R. Kelly.
How would you describe your fashion concept in 2019?
I cleaned up nicely this year with more blazers, fancy button-downs, and quality shoes.
What kept you sane?
Reading or listening to the news on my schedule. Keeping my nose in a book. Hitting the gym nearly every day.
Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Regina King had herself a year, didn’t she? Kenan Thompson’s work on SNL has been next level.
Who did you miss?
Shana. While I’m happy with my current work situation, not getting to talk pop culture and process with her every day was and is a bummer.
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019.
Do what you say you’re going to do.
Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
“Bossed up, flossed up, fly like a saucer, live in the moment.”
“What would you do, you knew you couldn’t fail I have no fear of anything, do everything well I have no fear of jail, I was born in the trap I have no fear of death, we all born to do that It’s just life, I’m just nice, tonight I might raise my price”
— The Carters
I was writing my 2019 plan, but then Shana showed up in my inbox and, well, I’m going to take a detour.
What did you do in 2018 that you’d never done before?
Felt unafraid to stand up for myself and others. I’ve stood up before. It’s the lack of fear that’s new and to do so in ways that remained true to me and how I operate. I didn’t imagine how someone else—someone I imagine as stronger than me—would do a thing, I did it as me. In my voice, in my way, and with the confidence that doing what’s right can be scary but doesn’t mean you gotta be scared.
I also worked with yeast in my baking for the first time, and it was a hit.
And, I had a case of gout. Shout-out to middle-age.
Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions and will you make more for next year?
The act of gift giving this holiday season was, perhaps, my most explicit confirmation of that as, to a person, I felt like I gave presents that reflected what I knew and understood about them and our relationship, specifically.
Staying present enough to remember most birthdays, anniversaries, and other special moments felt great and is a behavior I definitely want to continue.
I’m inspired at the end of this year, though, by my friends that are committing so heavily to serve our communities. Those actively working to make the world a bit better for those who are most in need and leveling up their own personal development in the process. My 2019 mission will be centered around these broader ideas of generosity.
Did anyone close to you have a child?
Not in the immediate circle but there were babies this year, and I got a chance to babysit, even if only for a few minutes in Disneyland.
The only weddings I (virtually) attended were Royal.
Did anyone close to you die?
A great aunt passed, and I can sense that one matters more than maybe some others in recent years. There’s a sadness in my grandmother’s voice that hasn’t gone away now that this sister, in particular, is gone and it breaks my heart every time I hear it in our conversations.
What countries did you visit?
I stayed domestic this year, but there are discussions of trips south of the border for 2019.
What would you like to have in 2019 that you lacked in 2018?
What was your most significant achievement of the year?
The best compliment I got was someone told me that they were not only a better employee but a better person for having worked on my team. I think that’s a reflection of a communication philosophy that I’ve worked on most of my professional life but became second nature in 2018: empathetic candor.
I want people to seek my counsel and know that they are going to get an honest conversation with no ulterior motives, ill will, or bad faith on my part. Kindness, honesty, and generosity of spirit is the vibe I think I most conveyed this year.
What was your biggest failure?
One afternoon, as I rushed to catch a bus I was running late for, I saw a man with a walker moving awfully slowly to cross the street to get to his destination. Maybe he didn’t need or want my help, but I didn’t even offer, choosing my convenience over kindness.
Every time I made that choice this year, I failed.
Did you suffer illness or injury?
Gout sucks. It feels like you’ve broken a toe and I do not recommend flying when you have it. Your foot is already swollen, and air travel will only exacerbate the issue.
I was full of foot ailments this year. I also had to correct plantar fasciitis with therapeutic insoles in nearly all my shoes.
What was the best thing you bought?
Mentioned above, but I really dug the holiday gifts I gave this year. Money well spent. I also like Apple TV and the series 4 Apple Watch is aces (as is the iPad Pro Tiffany gave me).
Whose behavior merited celebration?
My friend Melle has spent this year working so hard to battle food insecurity in Los Angeles through her own personal efforts and in partnership with local groups like Beauty 2 The Streetz. Every time I spend time with her discussing this work that she’s so passionate about, I’m inspired to do more and am reminded that giving time, effort, and energy to things with impact is the best way to live.
Where did most of your money go?
Who even knows? Basketball and bills? We saved more this year. I spent a little more on clothes. Lots of non-profit organizations and political campaigns got checks from.
What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Black Panther. I’m still really, really, really excited about that movie, the music, the experience, it’s success and how it wasn’t alone in the popular culture.
What song will always remind you of 2018?
Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or sadder?
I’m rarely very up or very down, but I lean towards optimism so let’s assume I’m happier.
ii. Thinner or fatter?
I weigh almost exactly the same as the beginning of the year, but I’m leaner.
iii. Richer or poorer?
We made that paper this year.
What do you wish you’d done more of?
Journaling and meditation: my days were always better when I started that way.
Volunteering: I gave money and advice regularly but rarely did I give of my time in 2018.
What do you wish you’d done less of?
Twitter and Instagram scrolling
Stewing in my own juices
How did you spend Christmas?
Here in LA with Tiffany and my family. The weather was gorgeous. The food was great. The gifts were delightful. There was so much basketball. I felt like the Björk song.
What was your favorite TV program?
Killing Eve was the best and most surprising show I watched all year.
Also worth your time:
The final season of The Americans
American Crime Story: The Assassination of Gianni Versace
Her Body and Other Parties by Carmen Maria Machado
Baby Teeth by Zoje Stage
Saga, Volumes 8 and 9 by Brian K. Vaughan and Fiona Staples
What was your most significant musical discovery of 2018?
Rosalia. She is a late in the year find courtesy of many a best of list, but her full-length El Mal Querer is incredible and has become my entry point into the wonderful world of Spanish language pop. I’m excited to dig deep in 2019.
Mass shootings and gun violence made me feel sad and helpless (but inspired by the actions of the youth in this country in their aftermath). The nomination of Brett Kavanaugh and the way Christine Blasey Ford was treated by our elected officials, though, pissed me the fuck off.
Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Ignoring the obvious answer, we really gotta get Stephen Miller out the paint.
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2018?
Age and income appropriate. I started using Stitch Fix to upgrade my wardrobe a bit and have found it to work for me pretty well, especially with pants that I wouldn’t seek out for myself and some statement pieces that get compliments every time I break them out.
What kept you sane?
Riding the bus every day reminds me that my daily worries are likely minuscule compared to many others in my community and it teaches me patience. Public Transportation in Los Angeles forces you to slow down and accept that most things in this life you can’t control but we all get where we’re going, eventually.
Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I thought Cardi B and Ariana Grande were the most exciting celebrities this year and Mona Chalabi’s data journalism and visualization are making her kind of famous, too. I think that’s hella cool.
Who did you miss?
Uncle Mike. Always.
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2018.
I’ve been ruminating on my failures. I have writing unfinished and text messages unanswered. There was the moment I put my foot in my mouth in a meeting and the back-to-back days of lunch consisting of fries smothered in cheese and meat. I’ve spent too much time on my devices idling and not enough time learning and reading.
This is only a partial list.
Today’s meditation is about getting past those uncomfortable and seductive thoughts—The Little Hater as Jay Smooth coined—and finding space for a full view of you. Be kind and compassionate to yourself. Express gratitude for your strengths and weaknesses. Recognize that those around you also make mistakes. We are fallible.
“Nobody outside this house gives a fuck about you.”
That recognition of our relative lack of importance except for those who know and love us always brings me comfort and clarity. I can see what matters.
What mattered this week?
Last weekend’s full plate of birthday festivities for two people I am honored to call friends
A life-affirming live performance from Jordan Rakei at the El Rey on a school night (here’s his KCRW set)
Every time I told someone something they needed to hear even if they didn’t want to hear it
Every time I thought of someone else’s comfort before my own and acted with that intention
I have found a good routine with yoga most mornings to start my day, but daily meditation has been an unintended casualty. The challenge is making time for honoring both the body and the mind. When I do that with consistency, the little hater’s voice is rarely louder than a whisper. When one or the other is out of practice, he starts to shout.
