I’ve been journaling twice a day for three weeks now. That’s coincided with a morning routine of no internetting, my new day vibes playlist, chores, and meditation.
The journaling is usually not spectacular. Most days, it’s a diary of how I’m feeling, what earworm was in my ears, and what I plan to do with the day. I recount the day in the evenings, including minutiae like what I consumed, whether food or entertainment.
Some days, though, it’s been about deep reflection, An opportunity to reconsider my actions or an interaction. It gives me a chance to release a rumination into words or process something stuck in my craw.
I weigh 235 lbs. In my adult life, I have almost always weighed about 235 lbs. There was a time a little over a decade ago when I was uncomfortably in the 240s. During the first few months of the pandemic, I dropped down to the low 220s. But, regardless of changes to my diet or physical activity, my body tends to settle here. Sometimes there’s more muscle or fat or water in the mix, but this is me.
I don’t feel unhealthy at this weight. I don’t feel unattractive at this weight. I like myself at this weight.
I work out daily. I don’t have nagging or chronic pains. I like the way I look in my clothes (and when I don’t, it’s usually a challenge with a clothing item rather than some imperfection I find in myself).
I like me and this body.
I haven’t always felt this way. I don’t always feel this way now.
But, far more often than not, I look in the mirror and like what I see. I’m stepping on the scale without judgment. It’s just data.
“Miss me with that bullshit. You ain’t really wild, you a tourist. I be blackin’ out with the purest.”
— Kendrick Lamar
Unapologetically black. That’s how I liked my music this year. Not just black, per se, (though that was where my head was tbh) but unapologetically whatever it was trying to be. That could be unapologetically pop. Unapologetically fun. Unapologetically woke. Whatever. Just make me feel like it’s real, that I’m real, that who I am and what I am is not only okay but brilliant.
King’s Dead did that for me from its very first notes. Kendrick Lamar, Jay Rock, James Blake, and Future with my favorite of all the songs on the epic Black Panther Album (Music from and Inspired by the Movie) is ultimately a villain’s anthem but one that reeks of authenticity. It sounds like California. Black California from the bay to the South of LA. When Jay Rock says, “My name gon’ hold up. My team gon’ hold up,” I feel that shit.
My last.fm charts will say that All the Starz from the same album is my top track, but it’s treating King’s Dead from the Black Panther album and Jay Rock’s Redemption as two separate tracks. Combined, it’s close to 100 spins.
The 2018 Mixtape
My methodology this year for figuring out my faves was to look at each month separately rather than focus on my listens in aggregate though those numbers were a secondary factor. My mixtape reflects my favorite song of each month from January through November as well as my favorite discovery.
I like this approach better because it acknowledges the rhythms of time more than the inertia of routine and the impact of the Spotify algorithms on my listening behavior. So instead of seeing a playlist dominated by a few albums and artists, you’ll hear some tracks that I forgot I loved right next to the records that I played the hell out of for a few weeks at a time. There’s a little symmetry here as well with a song featuring Sza—artist of my favorite track of 2017—and ends with a song by Janet Jackson who I have admired since I was knee-high and who just got nominated for the Rock & Roll hall of fame. She’s still got it.
The Albums
I haven’t looked at many of the end-of-year lists yet, so I don’t know what the consensus is around the top releases though I’m guessing some of my faves like Janelle Monáe’s Dirty Computer and Cardi B’s Invasion of Privacy are on them. I know they are both GRAMMY nominated for Album of the Year. They weren’t my very top albums this year despite trying hard to convince myself otherwise.
Black Panther—both the compilation mentioned above and the Ludwig Göransson score—set the tone for everything I would listen to for the rest of the year. It primed me for Jay Rock’s full length, an artist I wasn’t checking for before King’s Dead and his instant anthem WIN which was the theme for the LA Sparks season well before it was played at nearly every sporting event the rest of the year. The score re-ignited my interest in film compositions which led to an April filled with the soundtracks to Arrival and Annihilation and Westworld and many a Black Mirror episode. Combined, Kendrick Lamar’s curated playlist for the best black popcorn movie ever released and that score was the best thing going all year. Full stop.
Beyond that, I enjoyed grown folks hip hop from Beyoncé and her husband and Phonte. I liked expansive sounds from The Midnight Hour and Abstract Orchestra, clever reworks from Kelela, and a pretty perfect pop album from Ariana Grande who is, perhaps, an even more interesting artist than she is a celebrity. She, too, is figuring out how to be unapologetically herself with each release.
